I just got a really weird feeling that I needed to tell my faith story. So that is what I’m trying to do.

Ever since I was young I never really fit in. Often being the odd one out or being teased. So around my 5th grade year some of the girls started to gang up on me. Well I could have taken them down physically but not mentally. A group of about 5 girls started some awful rumors about me. The spread very quickly as rumors do.

Soon I had no one to talk to and I was alone. This went on for a couple years with hardly any one talking to me. By the end of my 6th grade year I hated myself. I cut my wrists quite often, and didn’t get much sleep. At the beginning of my seventh grade year I had confirmation classes starting. (Yes I was a Christian, just not a very good one). I desperately wanted to change my life around. Not only did I cut my wrists, I also stole a lot, and had suicidal thoughts. With my confirmation class only having 4 kids, we weren’t real productive, and I started to slide farther and farther away from God. That was my first attempt at suicide. For some reason I just didn’t finish it. I started getting a little better and by the end of my two years of confirmation, I no longer cut and thought I was happy. Until my junior year. That is what I am now. It started off ok, but then I started to slip. Life was just flying by. I often got in arguments with my parents and I slipped into depression again. That’s when the cutting started again. This went on for about 3 months. Then I attempted suicide again. This time I came very close to death. But once again I pulled away just in the last second.

The next day I had bruising around my neck and purple and red splotches from lack of oxygen. No one noticed, not even my parents. So that made me think I really wouldn’t be missed. Then right at the end of the day, a senior that I didn’t really talked to texted me. He went to my church, and we were in a few activities together, but I didn’t really talk to him. He texted me that he knew we didn’t really hang out but that he was there for me. Shocked about this, I asked where it came from. He said he just felt something telling him he should talk to me. This was God. None the less, we didn’t talk much after that. I didn’t want to bother him, or anyone else. So about a week later, was my last try of suicide. As I was slowly going out of my life, my phone lit up. I looked at the screen, it was a girl from a church camp. Crying by now, I clicked on the message. It was a long paragraph saying how she missed me, and that God loved me so much.  I let this sink in for a couple minutes. I decided to stop. All throughout these tough years I kept praying to God. I did have a relationship with him, just not a great one. But this is when I really started trying to change that. Since then I have made a promise to God to not cut or anything like that. I have a better relationship with him. I also keep in touch with my friend from church camp, and while I s=don’t really talk to the boy, at least he’s there. I am on the right path and have turned my life around. While I was on one wild roller coaster, now it only goes up, with only a few little bumps. I’ve found meaning. And that’s why I thank God every day.

Ashton

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